Nice Vanilla Latte, HDV 26:37
Courtesy the Artist, Kasseler Kunstverein and Carroll / Fletcher Gallery, London
Infirmière Visiteuse, HDV 38:57
Courtesy the Artist, Kasseler Kunstverein and Carroll / Fletcher Gallery, London
Transcript Nice Vanilla Latte
Hey, Elliot Rodger here. I am up in the Hills in Montecito right now. It is truly a beautiful day, but as i have always said, a beautiful environment is the darkest hell if you have to experience it all alone. And sadly i have been alone for a very long time. I have been attending College in Santa Barbara for about two and a half years now. In those two and a half years i have experienced nothing but loneliness and misery. And my problem is girls. There are so many beautiful girls here. But none of them give me a chance and i don't know why. I don't know why you girls are so repulsed by me. It doesn't make sense. I do everything i can to appear attractive to you. I dress nice. I am sophisticated and magnificent. I have a nice car. A BMW, well nicer than 90% of the people in my college. You know, i am polite, i am the ultimate gentleman. And yet you girls never give me a chance. I don't know why. I know, i put a lot of effort in dressing nice. These sunglasses here were 300 Dollars, Giorgio Armani, so i put them on. See. Hold on. A car. See. Look at how fabulous i look. You know, i feel so invisible as i walk through my college because none of the girls pay attention to me. I see so many beautiful blond haired girls walking around everywhere, in their revealing shorts, their cascading blonde hair, their pretty faces. And i want one for a girlfriend. I want to take a girl out on a date and prove to her that i am worthy. I want to feel that sense of being worthy of a girls love and affection. I am 22 years old and i never had a girlfriend. I am still a virgin. I have never had the pleasure of having had sex with a girl. sleeping with a girl, kissing a girl. I never even held a girls hand. Hell, i don't even have a young girls phone number in my cell phone. And that is just such an injustice because i am so magnificent, i deserve girls much more than all those slobs i see at my college who are somehow able to walk around with beautiful girls. I mean, even in the college town that i stay in during my semesters. As i walk around the common areas of those towns or the areas where all the college parties happen i see these obnoxious guys walking with beautiful girls. And that pisses me off because i should be the one with the girls. I mean, look at me. I am gorgeous. But you girls don't see it. I don't understand why you are so repulsed by my. Why won't you give me a chance. It is ridiculous. The other day i was doing some grocery shopping at Trader Joe's. I was of course all alone as i always am, which makes me feel so miserable, anyway, i was doing my shopping and i see this disgusting looking loser – well he is a loser in my opinion – and he walks in with these two beautiful blond girls at his side. I couldn't believe my eyes, i was so insulted by that because i should be the one with the girls but you never give me a chance. If you just give me a chance, get to know me, you will see that i am worthy of you. Because i am. Unbelievable. I mean, this world is so beautiful, but it's so sad and depressing when i have to experience it all alone and i have to watch other guys able to walk around and enjoy their lives with beautiful girlfriends at their sides. I can only imagine how amazing their sex lives must be. I have never had any sex or anything like that. It is such an injustice. I don't know why you girls hate me so much. I have always wished i could ask you this. This is my way of asking you this. This is the only way i can ask you.
Hey, Elliot Rodger here. I am just sitting in my car right now. Enjoying the view of the beach. And my view has been ruined by this sight right here. In front of me, sitting right there on that bench, is a young couple – i presume about my age. I was enjoying such a nice view until they came and sat down and started kissing. This is the reason why life isn't fair. Why does that guy got to have such a beautiful girlfriend while i am all alone. Why? Why can't i experience something like that right there? They are kissing right now. It's torture for me to watch but i have to do this. I have to film this. I have to show the world why life isn't fair. I have to show everyone why i hate the world. Because no girl would do this with me. Look at them. He is in heaven right now. Sitting at this beautiful beach with his beautiful girlfriend, kissing her, feeling her love, while i am sitting here all alone because no beautiful girl wants to be my girlfriend. I hate them. I hate them so much. Why does he deserve to get that experience and not me? I can only imagine the heavenly things they will be doing together when they go back home tonight. I am sure they will be having sex. What will i be doing? Lying in my bed alone. With no one, because no one wants me. I bet he goes to the same college as me. Yet he gets to experience his college life with his beautiful blonde girlfriend and i have to suffer this miserable loneliness. It's not fair! Life is not fair.
Hey, Elliot Rodger here. I am just sitting in my car right now. After watching the beautiful sunset descend beyond that hill up there. Enjoying a nice vanilla latte. Oh yeah, that's nice. Makes me feel all pumped up. I have been doing a lot of thinking about how said and unfair my life has been. All because girls haven't been attracted to me. I have been going through college for two and a half years now. And in those two and a half years i've had to rott in bleak and sad loneliness while other guys get to enjoy all the pleasures of sex and socializing and partying. I have never had a taste of that because no girls give me a chance. No girl at my college has ever expressed any interest in me. You give a chance to all these stupid and obnoxious guys that i see you walking with. You don't give a chance to me, why not? I am such a magnificent guy. I am beautiful, you can't deny that. I have travelled all over the world. I have so much to talk about. I am civilized, intelligent, sophisticated. I have a sense of style, yet you girls don't see it. And every single day i have to be insulted by the sight of all these lesser men walking around with beautiful girls. I see so many couple where the guy is so unworthy of having a beautiful girlfriend like that, and yet they are together, he has her love, and i have never had any of that love and affection from girls. Why you girls give those guys a chance but not me? I deserve it more. It is not fair. Every single day i have to be insulted by the sight of guys enjoying girls while i am all alone. Even watching that sunset up there is a bitter-sweet experience because while i love the peaceful beauty of it i can't help but think of all the other guys who get to enjoy that same sunset with a beautiful girlfriend at their side while i am sitting here all alone in my car. There is no beautiful girl in that passenger seat to enjoy it with me, because you girls have something against me, i don't know what it is. Whenever i drive through this college town called Isla Vista which is just right next to UCSB i see so many hot, beautiful, blonde girls walking with absolute stupid obnoxious looking douchebags and i just can't help but think how wrong that is. Those beautiful blond girls should be walking with me. Not those brutes. I deserve them more. Why do those horrible men get to experience and affection of such beautiful heavenly girls while i have to rot in loneliness all my life. It is not fair. It is such an injustice! I don't understand you girls. It is like your sexual attraction is flawed, it is perverted, you are attra cted to the wrong kind of guy. You should be attracted to guys like me, beautiful, magnificent guys. This world is so twisted. It is so cruel. And you girls make it cruel. You girls have starved me of sex, enjoyment and pleasure for my entire youth. You have taken eight years away from my life. Eight years i will never get back. Do you know how much misery you have caused me. I am such a nice guy, why don't you give me a chance.
Hi, Elliot Rodger here. Well this is my last video. It all has to come to this. Tomorrow is the day of retribution. The day in which i will have my revenge against humanity, against all of you. For the last eight years of my life, ever since i have hit puberty, i have been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires. All because girls have never been attracted to me. Girls gave their affection and sex and love to other men but never to me. I am twenty two years old and i am still a virgin. I have never even kissed a girl. I have been to a college for two and a half years, more than that actually, and i am still a virgin. It has been very torturous, college is the time when everyone experiences those things such as sex and fun and pleasure. In those years i had to rot in loneliness. It is not fair. You girls have never been attracted to me. I don't know why you girls are not attracted to me. But i will punish you all for it. It is an injustice, a crime, because i don't know what you don't see in me. I am the perfect guy and yet you throw yourself at all these obnoxious men instead of me. The supreme gentleman. I will punish all of you for it. Hehehe. On the day of retribution i am going to enter the hottest sorority house of UCSB and i will slaughter every single spoiled stuck-up blonde slut i see inside there. All those girls i have desired so much, they would've all rejected me and looked down upon me as an inferior man if i ever made a sexual advance towards them while they throw themselves at those obnoxious brutes. I take great pleasure in slaughtering all of you. You will finally see that i am in truth the superior one, the true alpha male. Hehehe.. Yes. After i have annihilated every single girl in the sorority house, i will take to the streets of Isla Vista and slay every single person i see there. All those popular kids who live such lives of hedonistic pleasure while i had to rot in loneliness for all these years. They have all looked down upon me and every time i tried to go out and join them, they have all treated me like a mouse. But now i will be a god compared to you. You will all be animals, you are animals and i will slaughter you like animals. I'll be a god, exacting my retribution and all those who deserve it – and you do deserve it, just for the crime for living a better crime than me. All you popular kids, you have never accepted me and now you will pay for it. And girls, all i have ever wanted was to love you and to be loved by you. I wanted a girlfriend, i wanted sex, i wanted love and affection. You think i am unworthy of it. That is a crime that can never be forgiven. If i can't have you, girls, i will destroy you. Hehehe… You denied me a happy life and in return i will deny all of you life. Hehe… It is only fair. I hate all of you. Humanity is a disgusting and depraved species. If i had it in my power i would stop at nothing to reduce every single one of you to mountains of skulls and rivers of blood. And rightfully so you deserve to be annihilated. And i will give that to you. You never showed me any mercy and so i will show you none. Hehehehehe…. You forced me to suffer all my life and now i will make you all suffer. I have waited a long time for this. I will give you exactly what you deserve, all of you, all you girls who rejected me and looked down upon me and treated me like scum while you gave yourselves to other men. And all of you men, for living a better life than me, all of you sexually active men. I hate you. I hate all of you. I can't wait to give you exactly what you deserve. Utter a nnihilation. Hehehe...
Transcript Infirmiere Visiteuse
Hans: When were you born?
Infirmiere Visiteuse: No, no, no, I was 14, no I was born 1914.
H: Oh, I thought
I: Yes, yes, you know there are a few mistakes in this paper.
H: I see, there we go with the first mistake.
H: There we go with the first mistake.
I: Yes, haha...
H: So then you are gonna turn 97 now?
H: For real? Ok! Then, yes, but the 1910's.
I: Hm yes, then i would be..
H: 97, 97, and then you would turn 100 in 2014.
H: The 1910's, can you remember anything when you were a little child? A really small child?
I: Yes, I, no, I cannot remember anything much really.
H: It is, I was a sole child until I was 5 years old.
I: I spoke French in the beginning of my life with my mother and the grandmother who was from the French-speaking part like my second grandmother, and, and then I did slowly start speaking German with the cooks of the house, or with whoever I can't remember,and when I started school I was perfect in Swiss German and German. And I also could read already, I always tried reading all those big letters above there, and I already read French in the beginning of the school year.
And, äh, and then I was able to take care of the baby, like change diapers, I could do whatever take a walk with the baby and I was very happy about that. And then I started at the Gymnasium and I was gone pretty much and away from my siblings. They then teamed up and talked with one another and shared experiences together and I was away at school doing other things. Yes, and my mother luckily, I had a good relationship with them, but they went their ways. Ruth, no, not Ruth, Madelaine then got married when she was 20, she was so young when she got married into a preacher's household and I then went to Grabs where she lived. Because you know,after my school diploma, there was no school for gymnastics in Switzerland and my father would not let me go study to Germany, into Hitler Germany. And then a doctor,a colleague of my husband, said: "do send your wife to Geneva, to Bon Secours, that is a good school, then she has got a good base education." So ok, then I went down to Bon Secours and as I spoke French, nothing was a problem and I had nice colleagues. I felt very good down there. You know, they were pretty strict still there, you had to wear our uniform, when we would go out we were not allowed to speak to any men. I then worked at a clinic for a year. After that I went to Grabs where my brother-in-law had become a protestant preacher and spent a year there. So there my first grandchild was born, yes, a grandchild. I was there during birth and took care of the baby in the hospital. That was very nice. That's how it is, right. And how is your relationship with your sister Ruth? And then I did, then I was done in Grabs at the hospital, then I went home, for the holidays or home. And then there was an opportunity to work in Geneva, The French Church was looking for a visiting nurse. So I said, why not? And so it happened that I got to know Herbert. And he asked to marry me within 2 weeks. I was a bit shocked and thought - is this God's will? I thought I had my life plan within the church, but my preacher said, it is right so, get married, that is ok. And so I told him yes and we got married.
H: Was this the right decision?
I: Yes, yes, I think so! My parents also found it to be alright and my sisters said that I had been so dominant, it is a good idea for you to get married.
H: Meaning you get more dominance from your husband?
I: Yes, yes, and then, he was kind of special. How can I describe this, he hoped to become a chief resident doctor at the hospital and then head. But he did not get to be the head doctor. So he said, ok, then I will open a private practice. And that was the right thing to do. That was the right way for him. He should not have be come a head doctor. That was not the right job for him.
H: Why not?
I: I can't say really.
H: So you don't know?
I: He liked doing research, he was the research type. And as the head thing, well I don't know. He was a good surgeon,he became a gynecologist. And that was a good thing. His practice was successful and he did lots of talks. Yes, he wanted to invest into his Christianity. That is why he worked in the bible reading circle with Mr. Aebi, the secretary of the circle,he took him to meetings where he talked about, how do I say that, sexuality and Christianity. He did that for some time, every night after the practice. Gone with the car. That took a few years,then this stopped, clearly. He was stiff. He fell twice and broke something. It is unbelievable. When we were engaged. No nothing had happened while we were engaged. But later, he either broke a leg or an arm, unconscious. I, I fell so many times skiing and I was relaxed, I let myself fall. But he probably tried really hard and broke his bones. Yes so... with Markus, he was very strict with him. Ooh, the little sweet boy. He sat in his high-chair. We had breakfast at 7 in the morning and he came and Herbert said: "Say good morning to Daddy". Nothing... nothing… so he had to leave for the kitchen. No really! Markus was kind of difficult.
I: I don't know already.
H: How old was he back then?
I: How old are you when sitting in a high-chair? One and a half, two? No, no, this is when I got in the middle and said, hey hey.
This is something I always remembered. And Rene, Markus, Annelies was always in the spotlight. She was the nice one, the good one, and Markus I think thought he had to act like a clown in order to find himself. I need a lot of tea.....
H: Yes, you need a lots of liquids.
I: Yes, right, that's not only it, one should drink water. Water, water, water.
H: Tea is also good for you. You need the caffeine, The theine? Sugar?
I: Yes, yes, one is alone, one learns to do everything by oneself.
It is only logical, this is how it has always been what do I want? And thanks a lot for all the chocolates. So if you want to have some...
H: Are these the right ones?
I: Yes, yes, wonderful.
H: I did my research.
I: With whom? Annelies.
H: Hmmm, no, Olivia and Andrea.
I: Everyone said "Flügelräder" but they did not have that at Sprüngli. But they said, something like pyramids but different with nougat inside. So I looked around and figured it must be these.
I: Very good.
H: Good, right?
I: So this is so nice of you. Well.
H: Well, ok.
I: So ok, do you still want to interview me?
H: Yes, let's go downstairs.
I: Yes, yes.
H: I'd love to do it in the park.
I: Yes, good.
H: Let's look for a place. Let's do some more until you get tired again or if you don't want to anymore. I would take photos of a few things and then...but photos, I would like some photos of you... Just so...
I: The album, who is this now again, who did that, Anna put that together.You want to see that?
H: Which album?
I: The one with the photos of my last birthday.
H: I think so. Being busy is ok, but...
I: I was 73 when my husband died. Until then I never thought myself as old. I did not think anyway. Then I had a wonderful 10 years of doing anything.
H: I can remember. You really blossomed. I mean, it's only clear, you don't have to ask anyone anymore. If you can go here or there,you don't need to report to anyone anymore. You can do whatever interests you, I think many women have - after their husbands are gone - a good time, as long as they are physically fit. After grieving,I mean it is never really over, but the acute period...
I: I have a friend, she was devastated when her husband died. She had lost the person she had leaned on. I don't know really.I mean, she was a theologian. I could no t grasp her problem.
I: I just have three stages. My youth, my marriage and my widowhood, kind of. These are all good things.But very nice next to one another.
H: But if you don't want to live until a 100 years. Then you have to think about leaving before kind of. How do you image this?
I: Yes, exactly. I always think, oh, I could think about this still, hmmm, and then another week has passed.
H: Then one could say, you are to busy to die? But you don't feel like keeping it up forever.
I: Yes, that's true. No, no. I don't think about all the things. I should do. I always think, calm, calm. If it works, alright, otherwise..
H: How is this dying thing with you? I am sometimes really scared. I think, oh my God, such a dark big fear of dying.
16:54.26,0:16:59.74,I noticed if you have family, then this is the worst to imagine. That's terrible. This is when you start thinking. And parents die and grandparents of friends and such. Are you scared of dying?
I: No, I hope I don't have to... Yes, I trust God. I trust... I don't know what happens after,I have no idea.
H: You have any kind of imagination?
I: No, I don't imagine.
H: But you believe that there is somethingand this is what you just believe in.
I: Could be true.
H: But also could not be.
H: So simply
I: I don't know.
H: I don't know either ...and how is it in the bible, in your interpretation, or in your religiosity?
I: That we go into eternity. Where we probably already are in an altered state. But where we see people from before, kind of. But this is for me... I don't know really. I think, whatever happens, it's right.
H: Right, the bible says, is there a heaven in the Protestant Christian religion as a concept?
I: Yes, yes, that's just eternity, that's not the blue sky above there.
H: Yes, that's clear. No, I think I am rather, I am not even areligious, I would say I am agnostic... I don't know. It is not that relevant for me. I dont even want to. When you're 13, 14 you don't understand Grandma is gonna be happy.
I: Yes… Hmm...
H: Rene and Peter are not even baptized. Peter the preacher is not properly baptized
I: Yes, yes… Yes, yes... Niemüller, Yes, yes, Yes, yes… Hmm… Yes, Hmm… It still puzzles me, why he was so into that Celan guy. Yes... Yes... Hhm... Yes That's funny, yes. Yes...
H: And what was that like when Rene told that he was gay?
I: We were taking a walk. I don't remember what we had talked about. And then he told me. I took his hand and said, you are my son, whatever is, you stay... And then we got a bit scared because of the father. But he then also accepted it. He had to.
H: What do you want to do. Well, you could disown him,that happens also.
I: No, no.
H: But this you would not have let happen, I guess?
I: Do you want more? Hmm.. Yes... That's true.
H: And when Granddad ... That was psychoanalysis if he did that 3 times a week. Did he also take medication or pure analysis? It has always been rumoured in the family that granddaddy was depressed, or bipolar rather.
I: You know, when we moved into the house at the Kurhausstrasse, he always let the shades down.
I: And he lit the lamps.
H: It was always dark in his home office.
I: Then I always thought, why? Why? I did not understand it. It went on for quite some time until I got it that something was wrong.
H: Yes and then?
I: I don't know anymore.
H: Then the time came when it got worse? Did he go through phases when he had lots of energy and when he would talk a lotand was very convincing? You know, this interests me personally. Because I also had, as I was in hospital 9,10 years ago, I always tell my kids I was "woogy woogy". Kids don't understand if you say psychologically ill, But if you say "woogy woogy" or do this, then they understand. I find it important to explain this to k i ds. I also got a diagnosis, bipolar. But I never got sick again after, before neither. My psychiatrist now is unsure what happened then. It just could have been a psychotic episode. Whatever. But I still take medication.
H: and ... Uhm.... This why it interests me,because there are some psychiatric illnesses that run in families. This is why it interests me. Also additionally.
I: You know, sometimes I think, maybe Herbert's mother, She also had..... She did not start to be affected by psychiatric problems until she got into his strict religious family, she was from in Appenzell, Herisau, then she moved to this strictly believing society....
H: I see, ok.
I: And…. Strange... Oh!... Ah...Yes, yes.
H: Then they did not really notice anything but 3 weeks later and then she was put in hospital and then she did not drink anything for 2 days and nobody noticed. And the problem is that... not drinking
I: Oh, that works.
H: … is a catastrophe. Then she developed a bladder infection. A bladder infection, ... which spread to her heart within a day or two, she died within 4 days. She was in no pain, she got morphine and whatever. And it was very clear she did not want to anymore. She understood what was happening and the moment she could not get up anymore. And she understood it would take long till she'd be fine again. She gave up. I'll be in bed for half a year or a year and who knows if I'll ever get up again. That's not worth living for. But that's different with you. You roam around, you have your autonomous life....
I: Yes, yes....
H: So this is kind of fine...
H: She went into a comatose state.
I: Oh, yes.
H: Her eyes were still open, she spoke, but she was in much distress, You could see that her body was still fighting. And the infection alone ... and then I spoke with her for a really long time. That was beautiful, I had some time alone with her. Like an hour Talked to her for an hour, caressed her, then she got more and more calm.
I: Mhm.. Beautiful.
H: And you know, the whole family was there again and again, Liz was also there. Yes yes.
I: What other questions you got for me?
H: Right, you wonder about that, you would like to know that. Yes, yes I thought we still stick to the ideas of the decades, cause you have already lived through so many. First I'd be interested, did anything happen in your birth year?
I: Yes, 1914
H: in your birth year
I: No, 1915.
H: Did anything... social, political, an invention, a person that was born, or anything that's in a context...
I: So this I would not know.I only know it was wartime. But I did not really notice anything about the war. My father had started his private practice a year earlier, he had to build something for himself. He had a motorbike, apparently, but I don't know that anymore. When I was 4 years old, he bought a car. An electrical car. A small car which had a small seat where I could sit. We would go with 20 km/h to Rheinfelden. That was wonderful.
H: A road trip.
I: Yes, yes, those were our excursions.
H: So on the weekend, on a Sunday?
I: Yes, it is crazy. I of course also when Annelies was born... I cannot remember if it was after the first or second child, I also had someone helping me out with the household. We had this big apartment at the hospital. And when we moved into the house, I needed someone anyway to help, that was often Germans. But always only one person. And I could not cook when I got married.So I took a cooking class in the fall.
H: I have read that
I: So I quickly learned to cook. I had a good basis. That worked well. No, no. But Annelies took it right a step further. Yes, she is super. She does it very well. In her kitchen, with the table, she prepares everything for guests. If she has got fish which only takes a few minutes, she can do that right on the side and bring it. Oh no, it is starting t o ra in. So I learned what I had not known before. And my Aunt Weber, that of course is also a thing. I was the godchild of Pauline, She is the sister of my late Grandmother. They had a jewellery on Storchengasse. I was there for 2 weeks during the summers and Aunt Sophie did the shop,she had an education to do so, she was allowed. Pauline was more in charge of the house. When I was there, we would go to the city at lunchtime... and had our meal there. And then we would take a walk and did all kinds of things. this is when I went to the opera for the first time. That was beautiful, I still know I went to see "Zarewitsch"